This is not easy for me to write. In fact, I had already written all of this out a few weeks ago, and when I went to press "publish", that's exactly the moment this site went down. It has taken me this long to get up the nerve to post this again.
I am having problems coping with increased anxiety around the time each month when I get my labs done and then have to wait for results. I have had my new kidney for 5 1/2 years and have had no problems. I've been lucky. But a year and a half ago, my creatinine suddenly spiked, going from the usual 1.17ish to 1.3ish. My creatinine didn't go down after about 8 months, so my tx coordinator decided to have me in for a biopsy.
I have posted about this before and am only doing so again to give a bit of background info.
Long story short, the biopsy was cancelled at the very last minute. After being up all night because of anxiety, and after literally filling that sleepless night with drinking loads of water (because my mouth got so dry as a side effect of my overly nervous state), when it came time to go to the hospital for pre-biopsy labwork, the results showed that my creatinine was back down to what was normal for me (1.17). My other numbers were, and had always been, fine. At first I decided to go ahead with the biopsy, but just when they were about to site the IV, the surgeon came in and told me that an elevated creatinine alone was not good enough reason to do such an invasive procedure. I ran out of there as quickly as I could.
That was in June last year, and since then, my creatinine is back up to between 1.2-1.3, but still my other numbers remain good.
However, that whole episode has smashed my confidence, and I find I am falling prey to anxiety about my numbers.
Cora has in the past been very vocal about not giving numbers more meaning than they are due, and while she is absolutely correct, I am still fearful. I don't claim to be fully rational about this all of the time.
I know that feeling nervous around lab time is normal; it's part of being a tx patient, but the periodic intensity of those feelings has, at times, affected me physically. I don't know what a panic attack feels like, but I wouldn't be surprised if I have experienced some of the signs.
I also know that in the great scheme of all things transplant, I am lucky and do not really deserve to be anxious, and that there are many people who are in a far more precarious situation. I also am acutely aware that I should be more mindful of the grace in which I live TODAY and should not let anxiety erode my gratitude
I have talked to my PCP about this and now have a prescription for Xanax for when I deem it necessary. I would rather find other ways to cope.
I am struggling a bit and would be very grateful for a few reassuring words